i haven't been blogging for long.
since sunday.
i know.
because there is so much happening.
and i'm just trying to come to terms with some stuff.

TUESDAY;
almost had a breakdown.
everything was almost too much to take.
was i in denial about almost everything?
i don't know.
and because of my irresponsible outbursts.
i've hurt people who care.
i know that i should stop saying sorry.
but here it is for the last time.
sorry.

WEDNESDAY;
things haven't gotten better.
how can it when i brought it upon myself.
when i said the things i said.
although there were so much more i want to say.
i'll just bite my tongue.

i almost missed her funeral today.
cause her mother brought forward the date.
i got woken up by the friend who was supposed pick me up. at 830.
cause he just found out about it as well.
i didn't even have time to find the proper clothes to wear.
and in the end.
we were late for the funeral.
i felt so ashamed.
i felt as thought i didn't give her the proper respect to send her off properly.
clarie wasn't there.
i didn't think she knew about it.
considering that people who were close to her knew about it on the morning itself.
and i told him that i didn't expect it to be today instead of tomorrow as planned.
but he didn't believe me.
that i tried to hide it from him.
because i didn't want him to go at first.
but then i decided that he should have went.
he really should.
cause she didn't like him.
not much anyway.
maybe it was time for her to make peace with him.
but then he thought that i tried to keep it from him.

i tried to lift my mood up a little bit.
and so i went out with dear cousin jessamine.
went to eat at lido.
tacos and subway.
all the yummy yummy food.
considering that i didn't eat a single thing on tuesday.
i went shopping with her.
but she did the shopping.
i was too broke.
and i had to go for a typhiod jab.
so that i can work in coffee bean.
pictures are up anyway.




i really wanted to buy that dress.
$73.
the last one left.
and wear it for my cousion SEAN's wedding.
not the idiot from church.








bra shopping.
haha.
and i like the wall paper too.

i talked to you last night.
i didn't expect you to react this way.
i don't know what to say or what to do anymore.
i don't know what you want from me.
the things i want to say to you.
i keep myself liplocked.
so i do what i'm good at doing.
pretend that nothing has happened.
and keep it all inside.
not suffering mind you.
you assume too much.
i'm just choosing not to face it yet.
not until i'm ready to.

where is Petina when you need her.
where are the hugs you always give me?
and how you never ask questions.
maybe you should learn from her.
learn how not to ask questions and demanding for the answers when i'm not ready.
i'm waiting for somone to come up to me and say.
"ness, its alright to lose her.
i know you love her.
and she loves you too.
you just have to be strong and let her go."

well can i tell you how sick i am of letting go?
because i was never able to do it.

it was always my inadequacy.
not you incompetence.
i was never enough for you.
never good enough.
never strong enough.
in anyway.
never enough for you wants and needs.

i have a feeling that there is something you're not telling me.
its time you start telling me everything.
unless you feel alright with hiding them from me.
but i feel horrible trying to guess.
its up to you anyway.